So, what does it mean to be a self-gift? ... To give yourself. Boom, roasted! Well, that was easy.
Well, not quite. I've been thinking a lot about this during the past few weeks. I began working on this after a friend urged me to write it down after a conversation on this topic. So, I had it saved as a draft. Then, when today's Pastoral Ministry class touched on a point or two, I figured now was the time to post.* So here's my attempted snapshot/ "work in progress" at what a gift is; the ways in which a gift can be received; and ultimately, what it means to be a self-gift. There is much I need to learn about being a self-gift.... but this will do for now.
Part 1: Defining a Gift
1) True gifts are given freely with a pure heart: it is offered out of love, not obligation and there is no expectation of reimbursement or pay-back from the recipient. To expect something in return would be the antithesis of a gift.
2) There is an element of risk and chance involved in giving a gift.
3) The value of a freely-given gift does not change according to the reaction from the recipient. Regardless of how it is received, the love with which it was given remains the same.
Part II: Possible Reactions from the Recipient
1. Acceptance with the Desired Outcome.
The gift is accepted just the way you imagined: with surprise, happiness, and gratitude. Seeing the face of the person you blessed with the gift brings complete joy to your heart because you know that that person appreciates not only the item, but the hard fact that you went out of your way to make them smile. You feel amazing because for that moment in time, you have made that person feel special. It's like your heart is going to explode and you feel like dancing (even if you are an awkward dancer) because you know your gift lifted another person's spirit.
An example needn't be given for this one because once you've given a gift met with this response, words can't encapsulate how joyful that moment is.
2. Acceptance with an Unexpected Outcome.
The gift is accepted, but not the way you imagined: perhaps with reserve, suspicion, or the "I'm totally re-gifting this, but I'll act like I like it" facial expression.
When was the last time you gave a gift and the person you gave it to did not react the way you expected them to? This Christmas, my dad got my mom the popular Amazon Kindle, those chargeable streamline readers that save on paper. Cool, right? No, not cool-- my mother dislikes technology with a passion and intensity equal to a thousand burning suns. When she tore that box open on Christmas morning, she looked completely confused and then incredibly upset. My father was completely deflated. He tried showing my mom how great it was-- "Look, Mary, its so much lighter than an actual book, and it's easy on your eyes, and you can store so many books in it!" My mother responded with, "Mark, you know I don't like technology." She said, "At the very core of my being, this is not who I am." Dang, that was quite the philosophical response. My siblings and I didn't know what to do with ourselves-- it was as if we were witnessing something incredibly well-intentioned go completely in the opposite direction. Should we awkwardly say something? Offer to help mom download a book or two so she could see how it worked? Or just let dad talk? In the end, the Kindle stayed in the family, although I think maybe it may be used by mom, dad, and others...
3. It goes Unnoticed/ Ignored.
This hasn't happened very often in my experience, but nonetheless, it can happen.
Once, I wrapped an unmarked gift and placed it in the recipient's room. Excited, I waited for said recipient to find it, come charging out of her room, and spend the entire next week wondering who it was who had made the drop. I waited.... and waited... and waited some more. Days went by. I wondered if her roommate had picked it up by mistake, or perhaps it had been thrown out on accident. Turns out, she just did not notice it with everything else going on that busy week and the untidiness that was her dorm room.
4. The "Return to Sender."
It sounds harsh, but sometimes, this is done with the best of intentions from the would-be recipient.
When I was in grade school, I saved up to buy a classmate of mine a porcelain doll to add to her growing collection. Her mother made her give it back to me because she said she wouldn't let her daughter accept it because it must have been too expensive. I was crushed, confused, and angry. Up until then, the idea of returning a gift was completely foreign to me. Who would do such a thing, even if it may be considered to be a "polite" thing to do? Although this is a material example, I most often have witnessed the "Return to Sender" gift refusal in the form of payment or tasks. I'm sure you've witnessed family members offering to pay for or perform some type of service. Most of the time, this takes form in family gatherings of some sort: someone offers to pick up the tab at a restaurant, and another grabs for the check, saying, "Oh, no-- I wouldn't dream of letting you pay. I'LL pay." Or maybe even more common-- when a relative visits for dinner and insists on helping with dishes instead of accepting the gift of relaxation and being the guest.
Which brings us now to merging these ideas of gift and reception with what it means to be a self-gift. What does claiming and living from that space of that gifted-ness imply?
Part 3: Implications....
To be gift is to live with a constant aching to love.
Last semester, I posted this short excerpt on Ministerial Identity after reading an article for the Pastoral Ministry course. Michael Downey claims that ministry MUST spring from the understanding that all we are and all we have is gift. Let's expand that to living in general.
From the Christian standpoint, living as self-gift means claiming our belovedness in the eyes of our Creator. It means surrendering our deep human need for affirmation, for appreciation, and for acceptance. It means going to that place of solitude, which is a place of transformation where we encounter our vulnerabilities, wounds, and needs and become those wounded healers. [You know Nouwen had to make an appearance somewhere in this entry!] It means, then, that we go into the desert with Jesus to find solitude, just as he did before he began his ministry. It means embracing our humanity just as Jesus did-- weaknesses and all.
It means to love without borders and limits: "pushing out into the deep" (Luke 5:4) as a child that trusts. It means not comparing the gift that I am to the gift that you, or anyone else is -- and finding JOY in that truth. It means giving out of genuine generosity, not out of obligation. It means putting yourself out there as uncomfortable as it may be. It means that you remain a GIFT whether or not you are met with acceptance, go unnoticed, or are let go -- and finding JOY in that truth. (Ladies, let's especially remind each other of this during this month of February.) It means reminding ourselves that when our love is not accepted, our worth is in no way decreased. It means seeing all you encounter as teachers -- and intentionally thanking them for revealing to you the deep truths of yourself. The sense of liberation in this understanding of self-gift is nothing short of miraculous because it implies that it instills in us an aching need to convey God's love to those around us. It means, then, that the place where "the rubber hits the road" is incredibly scary precisely because we are called to face the challenging times of rejection, confusion, embarrassment, and heartache with hope and gratitude.
*Shout-out to all the serving hearts in this class, especially post-class convo's with Carrie, Chimere, Lauren, & Jeff!
