Joy: Giving Affirmation

Note to the Reader: So believe it or not, this blog entry started out as a reflection on being socially awkward... complete with a diagram of the "Awkward Turtle" hand motion... but the more I wrote, the more this came about... so the reflection on social awkwardness will have to wait. ;)


If I have found my joy (my full joy) in the Lord, then I do not need to cling to the affirmation or appreciation or gratitude of others.  I only need to share with them the Joy I have found – and to rejoice in their finding it also. - Fr. Thomas Green, SJ

Affirmation is in itself not a bad thing-- it's a pretty fabulous thing! We yearn for affirmation at a social and interpersonal level: it validates the affirmed and allows those giving the affirmation to grow in attentiveness and gratitude.  The problem is that I've recognized in myself the craving for affirmation -- especially in the midst of transition: new city, new life shift back to student, new living situation from community to roommates, two new jobs, new demographic of peers, new sports teams to cheer for (haha!)... But for real: With all these changes, I find myself clinging to any positive reinforcement like my life depends on it.

I think Henri Nouwen and I would be good friends. He struggled with this as well. I remember reading somewhere that after he died, L'Arche founder Jean Vanier said that Henri Nouwen was "incredibly beautiful, incredibly intelligent, incredibly kind, incredibly good... and incredibly needy. He had all this excess in him.... He gave out so much, his need was so great and we couldn't always fulfill his needs." Yes, I think Henri [pronounced "Onri"] and I would have lots to talk about being God's beloved and finding our identity in that space.

Henri with Peter Rotterman.

So as a "2" on the Enneagram Personality Test, I often find myself needing the affirmation of others-- it's just how we roll. If I don't receive a word of thanks or affirmation, I'll wonder: What did I do wrong? What wasn't good enough? I really messed up that one. Fr. Martin Laird, OSA (the professor who teaches my Spirituality of the Desert Mothers and Fathers course here at Villanova) calls this tendencies "mind tripping." We trip over our constant chatter and self-critical thoughts-- these are not of the Spirit. In fact, I think Henri had some thoughts in talking of blaming ourselves-- it leads us to idealize others and become wrapped up in a cycle of self-rejecting thoughts.  He writes:

Self-blame is not a form of humility.  It is a form of self-rejection in which you ignore or deny your own goodness and beauty.

Every time you reject yourself, you idealize others. You want to be with those whom you consider better, stronger, more intelligent, more gifted than yourself. Thus you make yourself emotionally dependent, leading others to feel unable to fulfill your expectations and causing them to withdraw from you. This makes you blame yourself even more, and you enter a dangerous spiral of self-rejection and neediness.

Avoid all forms of self-rejection. Acknowledge your limitations, but claim your unique gifts and thereby live as an equal among equals. That will set you free from your obsessive and possessive needs and enable you to give and receive true affection and friendship.

This drive for affirmation, I feel, has led me in the past to spaces where I adjusted myself to an expectation in order to fulfill that need.  So when I attach myself too firmly to the positive feedback, I've noticed that I will sometimes adjust the way I present myself to conform to what is expected.  For example, while discerning religious life, I'd receive so much affirmation from lay, religious, and ordained people that I suppose part of me felt that I was drawn in that direction simply because of a sudden interest that was sparked in other people when they heard I may be a religious sister.  It was like I was just Michelle-- but then when someone would hear I was open to religious life and discerning, it was like, "OH! This is MICHELLE-- the one who is discerning! And oh, isn't that wonderful?" Looking back, I  clearly doubt that the interest they showed was the greatest affirmation in my journey, but I know that it kept me thinking it was what others and God wanted.  I'm still open, but as of now, I don't feel called to discern-- big distinction there that another blog entry will address. But back to affirmation...


Also, affirmation through physical contact is something I am missing with the intensity of a thousand burning suns! I can't stand it. In CMC, we'd give hugs-- all the time! Dancing together, grabbing arms while telling a story to emphasize points, hugs during the sign of peace, hugs after coming back from the mission sites and being reunited after dinner, backrubs after a long day....  

We even stood incredibly close to each other. Hm. :)

The idea of just being held by others and God is just wonderful. Yesterday at Mass, I forgot that most people don't hug during the sign of peace and went to hug a colleague. It ended up being a half-handshake/half-hug/advance catastrophe that was a remarkable example of physical awkwardness. Oh well. 


So why blog about this hodgepodge reflection on affirmation in my life right now? Honestly, I have no idea. It's just been on my mind for a while, and so this is very much a blog entry of "this is me." Boom. All my cards, on the table.  So this week, I'm challenging myself to give more affirmation than I'm receiving. And real affirmation, not just compliments on clothing (although we do love getting compliments on how the color of our clothes sets off our eyes too!)-- but more along the lines of voicing appreciation of those in my life. And hugs. Yeah-- Mission Affirmation. Let's do this!

Affirming myself takes time, meeting God in that space within me where I can just be God's, and returning to that space daily.  Like walking a labyrinth. (I love this picture-- cheesy and purple. I have a feeling Crys will love it too. ;))

And now, a closing with more on the Jesuit who I began this entry with and who Gina recommended to me: Insight into Fr. Green 

“The better, good times are there to teach us the joy of loving; the worse happens to teach us to love truly.”  -Fr. Thomas Green, SJ