Joy: Four Lines

Today started out great! The high school didn't have classes because of the Memorial Day Weekend, so I was able to sleep in until 7:30, which was WONDERFUL! :) Then, Gina, our CMC director, called sharing some great news. It's always so comforting to hear her voice and laugh together-- even when I'm half awake and don't know which way is up-- she's so patient with me and my slow processing in the morning! :) 

Then it was a day of packing for Michelle. Sr. Mary Lou Andes who lives two blocks away has been wanting to visit Sr. Christine Marie (who lives at Cabrini College in Philly), and so Sr. Mary Lou offered to take me with her so I could drive down my things to Philadelphia before the start of the school year.  And, I'll be spending time with Mary Beth Harris, a wonderful friend and fellow writing center tutor from Saint Mary's, who now also goes to Villanova and lives in the area-- can't wait! Our Road Trip will be tomorrow at 9:30am! I promised to bring double-chocolate chip cookies, which I just finished baking with assistance from Crystal and Sr. Pat in the moral support department. ;) 

But back to this morning: I had breakfast with Mary and then she left for Wisconsin, where she will be for the weekend, celebrating at friend's wedding ceremony. Crystal was gone when I got up, going to spend the day with a friend of hers. So that left me to face my room with the will to de-clutter, sort, pack, and tape to my heart's content... or discontent, as it soon would become.

The entire process was pretty emotional-- as I sorted clothes and the multitude of books (how did I acquire so many books within 10 months?!) into "keep," "donate to the high school," and "Goodwill" piles, I just got incredibly sad and heavyhearted. I took down all of the photos and cards that had been taped on the walls. I'm keeping about two weeks worth of clothes with me, but-- all but one drawer are empty, and my closet looks sparse. Visual reminders that this last month will pass all too quickly. As Mary calls it in her blog, it's pre-Separation Anxiety. I've struggled at many times to be present and not anticipate the course of future events, and I'm still working on it.

The most time consuming part has been the papers. I get very attached to my notes from workshops and retreats, prayer flyers, notes and letters from friends and family, and the handouts with the Order of Worship from the 5pm St. Francis Masses... that they just pile up in my living space.  I had piles upon piles of papers to sort, recycle, shred, or give away, and to be honest, I'm not finished with this part yet, and it's 11:45pm!  Needless to say, I've been tackling this portion of the packing in shifts with multiple breaks. :) Grad school pamphlets? Into the "TO RECYCLE" box.  Old applications and essays with personal information? Into the "TO SHRED" bin.  I even found a "To Do" list from September, Holy Cards from Sr. Angie, lists of vitamins to take from my mom, literature from the adult education classes I took at St. Francis, study guides for my Liturgy students, notes of encouragement and thanks, an overabundance of statements from Chase Bank, and post-its with titles of books to read whenever I got the chance.  AND, I even unearthed my original application to Cabrini Mission Corps dated November 2007. Awesome! I think what is so time consuming about the papers is that I feel compelled to read each handout... and when I do, all the emotions surrounding the event come flooding back. Then the nervousness for when Crystal, Mary, and I part ways began to set in... a visual of how I felt is necessary at this time:

*

Eek!

But then in the midst of packing, organizing, and taping boxes, -- just as my heart was beating irregularly and I felt like I needed to eat a ton of something soothing to calm down-- I had a moment...  Just as I was getting discouraged because I realized how soon June 23rd is (on that day, Crys will make her way back to California)... I came across a paper that was given to us on a retreat led by Julie Lupien from the organization, From Mission to Mission.

The green 8x10 paper with a simple graphic of a circle in the background read in a calm and informal font: 

Look back and thank God

Look forward and trust God

Look around and see God

Look within and find God

Then I remembered that my fruit of the Holy Spirit that I had been given a few days ago during prayer with the community (see this blog entry) was Peace.  In those words on the mint green paper, I found the Holy Spirit breathing her encouragement and love directly to my soul.  A gentle breeze came in through my window and rustled the paper, as if it were carrying the words, "See how God has guided you in the past? History repeats itself-- We're not going anywhere. So relax and know that we're going to take care of you, Mary and Crys, even though you won't be under the same roof."  

The funny thing is, I don't even recall if the paper was given to me this year or last year-- in any case, I found the voice of God in these four lines today. Thanks, Holy Spirit. I think I'm slowly getting the picture. Thanks for not giving up on me. :)

*And thanks to Julie for the handout, as well to www.eastendhypnosis.com for their most appropriate graphic of the frightened turtle above.*